What’s In It For Me?

The only reason anyone does anything is because there is something init for them. You may not know that or be willing to accept it, butit’s universally true. Even Mother Teresa, who probably helped peopleuntil the day she died, got something out of helping all those people.What she got out of it is what kept her motivated to keep doing it.

Aparticular action may have consequences that far outweigh what you getout of it. For example, smoking. You may get a fantastic feeling out ofit (or avert bad feelings, e.g. cravings), but it has terribleconsequences (e.g. cancer). Another example is attempting to relate to my mother. While mymother raised me, she did her best to make sure I went to a good schooland get off to college with a running start. However, at some point hergrasp on reality became questionable. She can be downright hateful,especially when she drinks. Unfortunately, that has happened a lotsince her mom passed away. She is truly a toxic person to be around. Ihave nothing to do with her anymore.

And then there’s my father, which is the real subject of this post. My parents have been divorced since I was two orthree, so not having a relationship with my mother has zero effect on my father. It has been nearly 15 years since I’ve talked with my father.The only contact I’ve had was an email recently. He may have tried tocontact me before that (likely via email), but I have forgotten those times. I certainly wasn’t ready to talk to him then. Not sure I’m ready to talk to him now either.

My father was very different from my mother. He was generally more even keeled than my mother, but probably the biggest thing is that he wasn’t there all that much. Even when I lived or stayed with him, he wasn’t “there.” Oh sure, he may have physically been present, but I have a hard time remembering any meaningful interaction I had with him.

There are some things he did that for a very long time, I was angry at him for doing. I am not going to go into details here. That anger has kept me from wanting to have any contact with him for a very long time. Between the passage of time and a change of perspective on my part, I simply can’t be angry anymore. I’m done.

Even getting past the anger, I come back to the question: What’s in it for me? Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer to this question. However, ifand when I am ready to move forward on this, I need to have ananswer to that question. Right now, I simply don’t know.