From I am 90% fake.
I’d like to escape my brain for one hour, get off this barreling steam train of endless thinking. I’d like to escape my heart for one hour and stop feeling sad, frustrated, lonely, and completely out of place. I wish I didn’t need two shots of vodka to become everyone else’s normal. I dream of a time when I could just be an authentic version of myself. With so many people to satisfy and roles to play, I have no idea who that is. To be the best mother, sister, partner, daughter, friend, employee, leader, community member, I have to do a lot of acting. I hold back parts of myself, display untrue emotion, I lean in, raise an eyebrow, tilt my head to demonstrate my deep interest, laughing heartily at quips that are frankly boring as hell.
I can certainly relate to the sentiment of needing to be someone else around other people. Then again, the world is full of needy people and if you can’t fulfill someone’s need, people won’t give you a second thought.
And sometimes, to fulfill someone’s needs, you have to fake it. Some people probably have to fake it a lot more than others. Thankfully, I don’t have to do it too often, which is a good thing as my capacity to “fake it” is fairly limited. Then again, maybe that’s just a story I tell myself…